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BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!! :-)
THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown
ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with
the order "That will
be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out the exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come
again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a
coke." The ostrich says,
"I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays
with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a
steak, baked potato and a salad," says the
man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
"That will be
$32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out
of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any
longer "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the
exact change in your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was
cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would
just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most
people would ask for
a million dollars or something, but you'll always be
as rich as you want for as long as you
live!"
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or
a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always
there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's
with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second
wish was for a tall
chick with a big ass and
long legs who agrees with everything I say."
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb
woman = affair
Dumb man + smart
woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman
= pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE
ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart
employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb
employee = production
Dumb boss + smart
employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb
employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for
a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10
for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS
& STATISTICS
A woman worries about
the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries
about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one
who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a
man, you must understand him a lot and love him
a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a
lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live
longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO
CHANGE
A woman marries a man
expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman
expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION
TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last
word in any argument.
Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP
PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to
come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They
stopped after I started doing the same thing to
them at funerals.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf
club. A mobile
phone on a bench rings and a man engages the
hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone in the locker room can hear the
conversation.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this
beautiful leather
coat. It's only $5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...Go Ahead....If you like it that
much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes
dealership and saw the
new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$320,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all
the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the
house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking
$2,350,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an
offer, but just offer $2,300,000.
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker
room are looking
at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "ANYONE KNOW WHO THIS MOBILE PHONE
BELONGS TO????"
The
seven dwarfs
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they
are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered
in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for
you?"
Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are
there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question,
thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Grumpy, there
are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start
giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, "Your Worship, are there any
dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and
then answers, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns
in
Europe.
"This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into
laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them
with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope, really confused by the questions says,
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere
in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and
laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down
their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
BBQ RULES
We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it
is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette
of this sublime outdoor cooking activity
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following
chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1)
The woman buys the food.
(2)
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables,
and makes dessert
.
(3)
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it
on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils
and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the
grill - beer in hand.
(4)
The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter
exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone
and other manly bonding activities can take place
without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5)
THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6)
The woman goes inside to organise the plates and
cutlery.
(7)
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is
looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will
bring another beer while he flips the meat .
Important again:
(8)
THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO
THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9)
The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread,
utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the
table.
(10)
After eating, the woman clears the table and does
the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11)
Everyone
PRAISES
the
MAN
and
THANKS HIM
for his cooking efforts.
(12)
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night
off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction,
concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. |
