Dream Band Club Inc

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
  Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
  Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade.....'

genie

One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.

As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.

"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apologies!" proclaimed the husband.

The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.

"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"

"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldn’t mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"

The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.

"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"

The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"

It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."

"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burglars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"

The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"

"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."

So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"

"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.

"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"

meow meow

Once there was a woman who was deeply in love with a mysterious man. Then one night she got him all alone in his office and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,

but the man didn't. So the woman took off her top and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but he didn't. So the woman look off her pants and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,

but the man didn't. So the woman took of her bra and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,

but the man didn't. So the woman took off her g-string and screamed meow meow look at me now!! one last time. The man then turned around and yelled woof woof I'm a poof!!

the bike

A 13 year old boy came home all happy.

His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"

"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.

The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.

When the father came home the mother said, close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"

The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.

He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.

The dad said, "son I'm so proud of u I'm going to get you that bike you have wanted."

They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,

"Nah dad my bum is still sore."

the bear and the hunter

There once was a hunter who went bear hunting with a shotgun. He saw a bear, fired and missed. The bear grabbed him and raped him. He was real mad, so he left to purchase an M-16 and came back. He saw the same bear, fired and missed. The bear raped him again. By this time he was furious, so he bought a rocket launcher. He went into the woods, found the bear, and fired. As several trees were falling to the ground behind him, the bear put it's hands on it's hips and said, "You're not here for the huntin', are you?"

sex help

I went to the Pre-ejaculation Clinic today. The problem was that when I got there everyone was gone. I guess I came early.

helen killer

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand??

A: Because she moans with the other

the king

The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.

After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.

So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.

The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".

One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."

The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".

Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.

Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."

The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".

a men's intelligence

Why are men more intelligent during sex?

Because they are plugged into a genius!

toooo long

A man goes to a doctor because he thinks his penis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.

After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his penis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.

The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"

The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.

But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"

"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!

cousins

Q. Where do cousins come from?

A. Aunt-holes

monica

One day monica lewinsky walks into a dry cleaners with a dress, she tells the man.

"can i get this washed" the man couldn't hear that good says, "come again" monica says "no mustard".

head 'n shoulders

So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"

helen the killer

Q: Why did Hellen wear her pants so tight.

A: So people could read her lips!!

a stiff one

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will

soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi

Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as-is, or as

a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do". Pepsi's proposed ad campaign

suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a

stiff one."

fridays old sparky

On a given night, 2 deathrow inmates are scheduled to be electrocuted on old sparky. While one execution is in progress, the pastor administers to the other condemned man in his cell.

"Don't worry my son", says the pastor, "as soon as the high voltage reaches your brain, it numbs all your senses, so you won't feel a thing."

Suddenly some horrible screams are heard throughout the entire cell block. The pastor immediately ask one of the guard "What is all this screaming about?"

Not to worry pastor, we had a power failure, so we're finishing the first execution "by candles".

super market checkout

A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price. She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize."

As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"

blonde coffin

Q. Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?

A. Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs.

unga bunga

Once there were three scientists who were walking in the woods. They were searching for butterflies. While they were sleeping that night a tribe captured them and put them in a tent. The first guy wakes up and sees the tribe chief with a spear he says: Death or Unga Bunga? The first guy says: Unga bunga because I don't want to die! So they take him away. Unga Bunga is a guy with a ten foot long dick and he sticks it up the other guys butt for ten seconds and then the second guy wakes up and he sees the first guy come staggering back saying: Pick death! Pick death! But the guy doesn't believe him so he picks Unga Bunga. And then the same thing happens to him. Then the third guy wakes up and see the guy staggering back saying: Pick Death! So the guy figures that what the heck? And he picks death and then the chief says: Death by Unga Bunga!

bingo

Q: What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?

A: Bingo!

boyfriends husband

Q: What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

A:45 minutes.

coconut tree

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

A: Lift up your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.

buying a horse

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

horny older man

There was an older man that was married to a much younger woman, and he was having trouble lasting long enough in bed. So he went to the doctor and was told he should please himself before having sex and he would last longer. One day as 5 o'clock rolls around, he gets a call from his wife who says she's very horny. On his way home, he remembers what the doctor said and decides to jerk it before he gets home. He thinks, "Well, I can't do it in the car, but if I get under it I can pretend I'm fixing my car." So he gets under the car, closes his eyes, and starts jerkin it. A few minutes later, there's a tug at his pants leg. In order to keep the image of his beautiful wife, he doesn't open his eyes, but just hollars, "Yeah?" "I'm Officer Brown. What are you doing down there?" "Well, officer, I'm checking my axle; I think it's come lose." "Well, mister, while you're down there, you might wanna check your brakes; your car's 2 blocks down the road crashed into a tree."

surprising helen keller

How Do you surprise Helen Keller?

Leave the plunger in the toilet.

hard egg

Q: What did the egg say to the hot water?

A: It might take me a while to get hard because i just got laid!

mama

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother.

"Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

the flasher

One early afternoon, two old ladies were sitting and talking in a park. Along came a flasher, who flashed the two old ladies. One old lady had a stroke...but the other couldn't reach.

three man

There were three stranded men walking down a sandy beach on a deserted island. They walk a little ways and find a magic lamp. So they decide since they are stranded that they might as well rub it. After they rub it a genie pops out and says each one has one wish.

The first man wishes he was at home making love to his wife. POOF, he's gone

The second man wishes that he was at his favourite strip club, drinking a beer with his friends. POOF, he's gone.

The third man doesn't know what to do, so he thinks for a minute and says, "hmm, you know i really wish those two were back here to help me make my decision."

peaches 4 sale

He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"

He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"

The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.

The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"

He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.

The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"

Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

3 words

What 3 words does a woman not want to hear when having sex?

Darling I'm home!

symple a great joke

This man & woman have been married to each other for over sixty years. For the last few years the only sex they have, is she holds his dick in her hand... Anyway, the husband comes home late one night and says "honey I'm sorry,I still love you, but I'm leaving you for another woman" The wife gets hysterical and starts screaming at him "Well, is she younger than me?" He says "no" She screams "well, is she prettier than me?" He says" Well, no" She asks "Is she rich?" He says "Hell no!" By then the woman has completely lost it, and screams at the top of her lungs, "Well then what does that BITCH have that I don't have!!!" Husband replies with a shit eatin' grin " P-P-PP-Parkinsons Disease..."

the gloves joke

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,

Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

teenage pregnancy

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period For two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house and a very mature and a very distinguished man with grey hair gets out of the car.

The man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps up to the door and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take charge.

If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a Beach villa, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is

born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," If there's a miscarriage, you'll have to screw her again."

lesbian dinesoures

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

Lickalotapus

sharp old lady

A man was very happy with himself after just having plastic surgery. On his way to work, he spotted a very attractive blonde woman. He asked her how old she thought he was, to which she replied, "About 23?" The man was astonished. He began explaining that he was actually 43 years of age. 5 minutes later, he arrived at MacDonald's and decided to have a little snack before work. Waiting in the line was another very attractive woman and he asked her how old she thought he was to which she replied, "About 20?" The man was amazed how well the plastic surgery had worked and started to explain that he was actually 43! Before getting back in the car to go to work, he decided to ask an old woman how old she thought he was. "I cannot see that well, dear, but i can tell how old you are by putting my hand down your pants and gently massaging your penis." So, he let the old woman do her trick. After 5 minutes the woman said: "You're 43." "That's amazing," The man replied,"How did you do it?" "I was standing behind you in the MacDonald's queue" She replied.

X-RATED RIDDLES

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?